5 Breaches of Elevator Riding Etiquette I Find Jarring and Unforgivable

1. Don't aggressively push the door close button the minute I get off at my floor. Look asshole....I get it...you're a very important person in a very big rush...but when you attack the door close button before I am done egressing the space you are sending a message. And that message is "I hope you die soon so this never happens to me again." I don't like that. 

2. If you're on your phone and you're in my elevator...I get to end your time on this planet right then and there. That's god's law...I just reside here. 

3. If the elevator seems to be stopping on every floor and you start uttering the phrase "looks like we caught the local."...I will have my fist in your mouth at or before the the third syllable. 

4. If you get on or off the elevator at the first floor of a building that has a readily available stairway you risk becoming a realtime example of natural selection. 

5. If I am holding the door so that an old person or a woman can get off the elevator first and you (a human who does not fit that description) jump on that opportunity to exit first, I get to hold you while everyone within a 20-yard radius beats you with the hockey stick I carry around at all times.